i might feel..

I know that’s the thing about endings. It might seem ok, I might feel fine. Until I see him from across the way for the first time after and maybe he see me, but if he does.. he doesn’t show it. Instead he’s surrounded by friends and his smile is blinding and his eyes are bright. I feel like the world has collapsed in on my all of the sudden.

Like maybe I'm drowning, I can’t stop the waves from crushing the air out of my lungs or the tears from finding their way to my eyes. All I can do is bite my tongue and hope that the pain in my chest will subside just enough, so that when my friend asks if everything is ok I can manage a smile and laugh it off but I know in those moments all I want is to jump in my parents’ over chlorinated pool and sink to the bottom and find out if drowning could ever hurt this bad.

It's just a feeling?

Stop minimizing and discounting my feelings. I have every right to feel the way I do. My feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if I feel something and it’s real to me. It’s not something I can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at me, tugging at my core, and in order to find peace, I have to give myself permission to feel whatever it is I feel. I have to let go of what I’ve been told “should” or “shouldn’t” feel.

I have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame me into silence. I have to listen to the sound of my own breathing and honor the truth inside me. Because despite what I may believe, I don’t need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what I feel. My feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and it is more than okay to feel what I feel.

Dream

I’ve dreamed a lot
I’m tired now from dreaming but not tired of dreaming
No one tires of dreaming
Because to dream is to forget and forgetting does not weigh on us
It is a dreamless sleep throughout which we remain awake
In dreams I have achieved everything even something I couldn't have in my life

Back to December (7)

We live and breathe words, It was books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone. They could be honest with me, and I with them. Reading your words, what you wrote, how you were lonely sometimes but always brave.. the way you saw the world, its colors and textures and sounds.

I felt the way you thought, hoped, felt, dream.
I felt I was dreaming and thinking and feeling with you.
I dreamed what you dreamed, wanted what you wanted and then I realized that truly I just wanted you.

I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth but I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.