need to know

Maybe one day you’ll come back.
Maybe you never will and that’ll suck, but you can’t keep doing this.
The blame and the self loathing and the bull, I can’t watch that. It makes me hate you for hating yourself. I don’t want to lose you but I’d rather lose you if it means you’ll be happy. I think if you come back with me today, you’ll never be okay and I’ll never be okay if you aren’t.

I need to know that there’s a way for people like us to end up okay. I need to know that there even is such a thing as okay, maybe even good and it’s out there and we just haven’t found it yet. There’s got to be a happier ending than this, here. There’s got to be a better story because we deserve one..you deserve one even if it doesn’t end with you coming back to me.

i might feel..

I know that’s the thing about endings. It might seem ok, I might feel fine. Until I see him from across the way for the first time after and maybe he see me, but if he does.. he doesn’t show it. Instead he’s surrounded by friends and his smile is blinding and his eyes are bright. I feel like the world has collapsed in on my all of the sudden.

Like maybe I'm drowning, I can’t stop the waves from crushing the air out of my lungs or the tears from finding their way to my eyes. All I can do is bite my tongue and hope that the pain in my chest will subside just enough, so that when my friend asks if everything is ok I can manage a smile and laugh it off but I know in those moments all I want is to jump in my parents’ over chlorinated pool and sink to the bottom and find out if drowning could ever hurt this bad.

It's just a feeling?

Stop minimizing and discounting my feelings. I have every right to feel the way I do. My feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if I feel something and it’s real to me. It’s not something I can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at me, tugging at my core, and in order to find peace, I have to give myself permission to feel whatever it is I feel. I have to let go of what I’ve been told “should” or “shouldn’t” feel.

I have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame me into silence. I have to listen to the sound of my own breathing and honor the truth inside me. Because despite what I may believe, I don’t need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what I feel. My feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and it is more than okay to feel what I feel.

Dream

I’ve dreamed a lot
I’m tired now from dreaming but not tired of dreaming
No one tires of dreaming
Because to dream is to forget and forgetting does not weigh on us
It is a dreamless sleep throughout which we remain awake
In dreams I have achieved everything even something I couldn't have in my life

Back to December (7)

We live and breathe words, It was books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone. They could be honest with me, and I with them. Reading your words, what you wrote, how you were lonely sometimes but always brave.. the way you saw the world, its colors and textures and sounds.

I felt the way you thought, hoped, felt, dream.
I felt I was dreaming and thinking and feeling with you.
I dreamed what you dreamed, wanted what you wanted and then I realized that truly I just wanted you.

I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth but I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.